i need a vacay. actually, i just want to travel.

my mother wants me to apply for exchange student in japan. i'm not really complaining about the whole idea. i really would want to go there. and well, i'unno. maybe this is what i need? or not.

but then.. /edit

"...if you're always looking for reasons not to be with somebody, well you'll always find them, and I guess at some point you should let go and give your heart what it deserves." --Lucas; OTH.

june is ending pretty fast. the rain is coming down steady too [jacket madness. hallelujah.]. it's really ironic. it seems as if there isn't enough time. that there should be more seconds in a minute, and more minutes in an hour, and more hours in a day. but there is more than enough time; and i think that people waste it more than they think they do. they let chances go and they watch people they care about leave with it. i know my fair share of that, and i don't want it to happen ever again.

hmm. anyone with a crash course in time management? pasali naman oh.

i want to run away.

i just want to get away from HERE, and leave everything be. i just want to go where my feet takes me, wherever that place is. and i just want to know who would be there when i'll end up on someone's doorstep. or who'll sit with me on an empty park bench and talk to me like we were long lost friends. maybe that way, i'll really know. and i'll really understand myself better. i'll have the guts to admit to myself what i want, and i don't have to deny anymore. because i'm always fooling myself. and i guess, it's easier that way. and i really want to look for me. but that's the one place i really don't want to look. i just don't want to face the truth, because i know when i do, there'll be no turning back.

oh, hello sunshine.

what good does my writing do when i can't even tell you the words i'm choking on? it gets harder everytime.

and i know i'm just scared of you. and how you make me feel.

it just gets tiring to have to fake to be someone you're not. especially with the ones you shouldn't be pretending to in the first place.

"i expected more from you[than from your other siblings]."

fine, fine. i brought this upon myself. i know. but i don't even think that my parents would still let me stay in this house if they knew that i could be so "unbecoming". all my life, i've been trying to be what my siblings have not been just because my parents have been nagging it to me eversincebirth. and even though i have succeeded that feat, it doesn't come with a price. and now i realize that it's too late to show them that who they thought was their daughter, really isn't. would you blame me for this? i didn't ask for a mother who wouldn't tolerate losing in a conversation even though she's wrong and a father who's just so close-minded that i wouldn't be able to fit a penny for his ohsojudgemental thoughts. i can't even make my own stand just because they wouldn't let me. they would shun me off as if they knew better. but they don't. not in my case. at least other kids could tell their parents the truth. as for me, we're like strangers living under one roof.

if they knew me, they wouldn't even like me. nice, noh? i think they'd even deny that i was ever their daughter. HAHA. and i'm not even that cruel. i'm sorry for the rant, i'm just pms-ing and blowing off steam.