i don't know how much a human heart can take. and i do not even want to know my limit, or if i have surpassed it somewhere in my life before. i cannot say how much i am grateful, and even so, how much i despised learning how to love. it was just my luck that the first person i gave that privelege, didn't deserve it at all.
funny? no. hell no.
it's not just a scar. it's a crevice. a boring hole that tears you up years after it has happened. i don't know if anyone ever recuperates fully from such a wound. i know, i haven't.
if it is instict or anything else [maybe selfishness], i learned to put up a massive wall around me just so i won't make the same mistake again. sometimes, that wall crashes down in a mere instant, and i am caught off-guard--vulnerable for someone to break me. but i do not let this go on for long. i am just not ready. and even if i am, i do not wish to be hurt again even though i have, for countless days and nights, felt that sharp pain suffocating me bit by bit.
a year ago, in my diary [a little black book i bought from bangkok], i made an entry criticizing a quote i have often heard when i was a kid:
"sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me."
words never hurt? yeah, right. then explain to me why people's hearts just stop dead when they hear someone they love say to them, "i just don't love you that way" or "i don't love you anymore". ask those who have slit their wrists or punched the walls on what is more painful--what kills them more. prove that words never ever hurt when they do more than temporary damage.
i could go on forever.
if you love someone, please, please, do not forget to save some for yourself.
this is for you, zel. please do not forget that i am here for you.
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