it's strange days like these when the falling rain is like a playground for kids who don't care if they'll get pneumonia or have mud splattered all over their clothes. it's not melancholic or cold. it's rarely beautiful.

happy, happy brithday ardan.

it's not a life i've asked for. no one would wish for such. beautiful, glossy pages hide the tragic fairy tale. and no one really knows how sad unless they read everysingleword--everysinglepart of it. this is not the story that i want my life to be. but it just is.

and i'm sorry. i've said it countless times. i really, really am.

forgiveness - [noun] the mental and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment or anger against another person for a perceived offence, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

i grew tired of being angry when i could just put it all behind. yes, it's been a year now. and that long of guilt isn't something anyone should carry around. not even you.

you ever have the feeling that you want to board a train or a bus, and never want to get off? just to find out where the wheels will take you, or what sights you'd see. is it greener from where you came from? will you long for home, or wish that you'll never ever have to go back--praying that it will go on forever? because i've heard stories of 'iwishyouwerehere's and some of them meant it and some didn't. who will you meet when you reach the end of the ride? is it someone who was waiting for you to get off the very start you got in? or someone who chased you and was beside you all along? will it be someone you never knew was there? or someone who you thought was long gone?

oh, we'll never know.

What I Was Currently Reading: Vince's Life by Vince Teves

who is reading it now: my mom.

who was supposed to read it: my sister.

that book. gaaaaaah.

"believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who said it, not even if i have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."

-buddha

the bitter part of growing up, is knowing that you are expected to be mature when you know that you are far from being so.

it was so easy then--easy to be cynical, to be foolish, to be reckless, to be self-centered, to be so angry with the world. that was what the people saw as a teenage tragedy. it was supposedly, a 'phase' and nothing more. everyone grows [and should grow] out of it, they say. but what if they really don't? what if their conformity to the rules of being older lie on the pretense that they have outgrown their childish impulses when in fact, it never went away? we're always a child at heart. or.. more precisely, a teenage one at that. we'll never know.

just random thoughts brought by my bestfriend.

life always finds a way to surprise us. even at the moment we think that we know the course of our lives too well, we are almost always wrong about it.

someone asked me recently, about what chapter this is of the story of our lives. i remember answering that i did not know. that i never expected that the circumstances that have happened and are happening are like something that came out of a messed-up, tragic movie with the tissue boxes and popcorn on our sides. everything was sudden and unexpected and funny and sad. it was harder this way, not knowing where to go or if we should turn back and regard actions as mistakes--or the truth. or neither. nobody said it would be easy. but no one ever said it was gonna be this hard. i thought, by growing up i'd learn and be wiser and more mature. but it got me to realize that i felt more disciplined when i was young. maybe it was because i was so consumed by fear to do anything that would make me lose something. maybe it was naivety. but i am still scared now. and i still feel stupid oftentimes, even selfish to my own needs. and i don't think people can deny that they feel what i do everytime they make a decision that risks everything they hold dear. people can even be afraid of getting what they want, because it is at the same time, something they could lose. it's uncertainty. we all wish we could go back. but we just can't. we just can't.

dearest, i apologize that my selfishness got the better of me. you know who you are, and you know why[patas na tayo. haha. kidding.].

haha. i'm not that cursed after all.

to everyone who gave even the slightest effort to greet me, thank you.=)

no one would love me if they knew all the things i hide.

sorry for the one-liners. this is what six effing full days of no electricity does to someone like me. it makes me stupid and blah.