everything's different now. like it has always been, and always will be.

can you feel it changing--notice it happening little by little? just like a year before and years before when other people who we call friends now were strangers in the background. what makes it all seem so intimidating when it's something that we all have to face sooner or later? does acceptance or submission come with change? or do we fight with the tides of circumstance to keep change from happening though that itself would lead to the inevitable?

i hear the wind whistle its goodbye to summer and all its promise of crisp blue sea and the cloudless sky. i see the sun get smothered by the gray clouds of rainy season. it's another chapter and i don't know where i am or how many more there will be. but it will always feel like this, it will always feel like everything's new.

and that's bittersweet to me.

i discovered that it is in the presence of failure that the desire of greatness overcomes the temptation of pathetic revenge that never fulfills anything but the empty feeling of getting back at the world with something in a pathetic and self-degrading manner.

and with knees bent and both hands kissing the rough gravel, i try to think of reasons why i need to get up from this. i hear voices from the shadows telling me that there is too much that the world has thrown on me; and that even trying to fight with the little bit of sanity i have left is a futile attempt to change a tragic ending. i've felt the fear crawl back in my lungs and in the tips of my fingers when i thought i had convinced myself that i will succeed in taking back everything i need to get back. amidst the humdrum of everyday assignments, intelligent guesses and remarks, one day weekends, and daily conversations that never really tell anything about anyone, i have programmed my mind to correct the mistakes i have made without wanting to learn from them.

because i never had enough strength to make myself believe in the power of the words, "i can." never had it in my heart to make every beat of my effort count as worthwhile. blame it on too much mornings and afternoons and evenings of looking at myself in the mirror and being disappointed of what i see. i have killed my heart in order for my head to work. and i don't feel alive.

and that is in itself another mistake. a big mistake. one that i really, direly, need to learn from.

goodlordhelpme.