"You ever wake up from a really good dream, try to get back to sleep? Or you got the flu, and you promise yourself that you'll appreciate normal so much more if you could just get back to it? That's the way I feel. I just want things to go back to the way they were.."--oth

..and that's the same thing i feel right now. so much so.

Realization: the three-hours sleep didn't give me anything, except a runny nose which accounted for me being sick a few days ago. given the fact that the doctor said i have lots of bacteria than an average person[heeey, i was in elementary. kids with bacteria were the thing back then.], the last time i considered myself sick was in third year. no, i don't like cramming. but desperation pushes even the most indolent person to get up out of the couch and into the toilet. as for me, i'm just waiting for the words to come at one-something in the morning.

and ghreat, i have a sore throat now.

xoxo

yeah, i know. "it's been a tough year on hearts". people have been drinking and smoking too much lately. some are saying less, others a lot more. suddenly it feels like high school again--minus the trisem the finals and the whole college thing. "When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone" now. maybe the world just needs to show a little more drama this month--well, make that week. as for me, i'm just hoping i'll get the words out right, soon. then i'm done.

okay. peoplearepeople top + vmvhypoallergenics lipstick + colorstone starfish necklace + mimi bronzer = empty wallet & contentment. you know what? maybe when i grow up, i'll make a study about why shopping is a cure for bouts of depression and major anxiety attacks. i might just win the nobel prize. hahaha.

still in writer's block flu. sigh.

i so want to go to Hed Kandi with my sister. and i need to furnish my escaping ability too--if i still have one, that is.

i don't feel the passion to write anymore.

..and that's scary.

is this just a phase?

One Tree Hill is looooooooooove. the soundtrack is just as loveleeeeeeee.

i miss the feeling of white sand under my toes. i miss the music the waves make when they hit the shore. i miss the smell of fresh crisp sea, the sparkle they make against the sun. i miss watching the sunset alone even if i look like a loser in doing so. i miss the heat. i miss boy-watching. tee-hee.

i wish i could get away for the summer.

take me with you.

everything paid off. though others didn't make it--all the hard work was worth it, still. congratulations santugon!

everything becomes painfully clear now.

i've promised myself a thousand times before that i'll never let myself sink in too deep again. that i wouldn't make the same mistake i did before with you. and i thought that that part of my life was over already. i have had enough of relapses that remind me of what happened--had enough of nights wondering why it happened that way. my heart's tired enough already. i know you feel that way too somehow.

but you still find a way to hurt me, even though you're not a part of my life anymore. and i'm sorry, but it just makes me hate you a whole lot more.

and i hate myself too, because i loved you. i really did. even though you said and still say otherwise.

"perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically... to those who hardly think about us in return."--T.H. White

whaddaya know..

suddenly everyone's wearing drama.

summer's coming but i'm not feeling it. and i don't think i'll ever feel it. i want to paint my room. i want to go to driving school. i want to work for my mum for $$$. i want to go to the beach and get a tan. i want to shop. i want to read lots of books again. i want to finish learning the guitar. i want to find new cds to listen to overandover. i want to swim daily as a sport. i want coffee--and chocolates too. i want an ipod and a laptop in my room. i want an esteem makeover. i want an effing reunion[trese, physci, onebandonesoundgroupoffriends, SO, where are you guys??]. i want to sketch my feelings out. i want to write everything that my heart yearns to explain. i want to forget everything else bothering me. i want a break. i NEED a break. i wantandneed you.

okay. i'll shut up now.

eeek. stupid dream. STUPID. stupid me for remembering it.

6,470,818,671

and sometimes, all you need is one.

what i've been doing these past few days:

x staying up until twelve-ish something.
x waking up at wee-hours of the morning to typeandtypeandtypeandtypesomemore.
x supporting santugon[derecho!].
x cutting classes[which was my first time last thursday. cause of.. PFHT!].
x crashing into markslashkevslashardan's condo. best place to sleep: the couch!
x staying in LaSalle until eight or nine[taft's beautiful at night.].
x contemplating. which i do like, ninety percent of the time. hah. kidding.

tiredtiredtiredtiredBUTi'mhavingFUN.

i never said i was strong.

i only said that i was trying to be.

i feel so much like a thirteen year old again. i miss this feeling. i miss THAT.

xoxo

because when you have just started taking the wheel and you find yourself in this thick fog with no one else by your side, it's your choice that matters. yours only. and deep inside you know nothing will change if you won't make a move. look for the road you were meant to be in, don't waste time asking yourself why you're in this circumstance because shit happens to everyone. you have to face it. grip tighter on the wheel and step on the brakes. you'll be out of that haze in no time.

i won't always love what i'll never have. i won't always live in my regrets.

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours." -- Ayn Rand, "Atlas Shrugged"

xoxo

i can't take it. i failed to abstain on chocolates. it's my drug-free prozac. HAHA. oh well. i sketched and soundtripped the day away. it's amazing what someone can do with free time and a brooding artistic mind. it wasn't long before my room became a lilttle museum of my heart. books here and there. cds stashed neatly in my closet. photographs and art; not just of people but of places and things that remind me of what life is all about. words and phrases--lots of them--displayed on the walls and mirrors. most of them were questions. in a funny way they became the answers too.

now all i have to do is keep people away from my room. it's too blunt to be seen by anyone especially my parents. seriously. it's sad that way but that's life. that's what teenagers like me usually do. oh don't tell me i'm wrong. haha.

okay. in their document, ECM-BSA requires a CGPA of two. mine's two-point five [considering that i'm currently enrolled in ECE--you get the idea why].

and i f*cking did not make the double majors. why? cause the accountancy department reasoned out that i had a CPGA lower than three. f********ck. i-effing-want-to-shove-that-f*cking-ECM-BSA-requires-a-CGPA-of-2-paper-down-all-their-skanky-accounting-asses-for-all-i-care.