sometimes even the easiest of things, the most transparent of thoughts, are the ones that get lost in the recesses of the heart and mind. it is those that we fail to see, we fail to hear and we fail to realize that are the most important. and oftentimes, it is the lives of others that help remind us of our own. why we strive, why we keep on trying and fighting against everything that subjects us to the failure of our dreams.

because we all are trying to live in a way that our deaths bring us happiness and content. and not that of regret of not being able to do what we could have and should have done.

okay, change topic.

i got my starbucks coffee planner yesterday. many, many thanks to those who willingly gave their stickers [you guys saved me two months of starbucks sessions that would've emptied my already-empty-wallet. haha.]. sad to say, i liked the last one better. this one's too bulky and there're no more coupons and no month-organizer. oh well, still cute though.:)

this week would be an overdose of caffeine, power drinks, chocolates for sugar rush, panic fits, anxiety attacts, projects, papers, reports, cramming, and centroids, laplace equations, and circuits that i have to squeeze to my brain til it explodes.

oh this is college at its worst.

i was searching for that. for weeks, i laboriously did. months and months passed without me finding a sign to where it had gone to. i've resigned to the fact that it was deleted, erased from memory with a press of a button as it was captured by the flash of a blinding light. the world had decided to forget that it ever existed--that it ever happened.

and it came now--when i wasn't looking--it found me instead. it must've taken me seconds for me to realize that that was it. it wasn't lost. it wasn't forgotten. it wasn't erased. it happened, even if relieving the moment now is like a blur of water stepped with dirt to me.

oh, bittersweet nostalgia.

it's ironic. the christmas atmosphere that i loved as a child has a coldness now that isn't comforting. the bright lights and all the pretty decorations bring such sadness when it was something that made me smile so big before. and hearing the countdown to twenty-five on the radio is like marking the days of how time is passing by way too fast when i don't want it to. and i wish there's something i could do to make it all better while i'm making it all worthwhile. but i'm just enjoying the music now. and fearing its end.

lately, i've been sleeping late. and i know that it's not like me to do so cause i'm anemic and i'm far from being insomniac. so what is this?

seeing my highschool friends after the longest time made me feel like i was back to the years where uniforms were the conformity and the people you needed were just a few classrooms away. and as i was just relieving everything again--from the CAT, to the trese, and the catching ups--my cel rang and it was already time for me to go. sadly and as always, in the end, there is a real world we all have to come back to.

apathy.

at some point we crave for it. or we always have.

we're all waiting for something. for morning to come, for the bus to arrive. for the right words, and the right time.

but what if it doesn't come? waiting makes us blind for the chances given to us. it gives us an excuse to escape our cowardice, our being futile. would we resign to defeat? or try to take the risk in changing the course of our lives?

i want to be a photographer too, you know.

i think that there are words out there waiting to be stringed together to make beautiful poetry. sentences that have not yet been written by anyone--but have been felt by everyone. it's being able to explain when there is no viable explanation. like why raindrops on windows reflected by the streetlights bring such serenity and torment. or why people look so far away when their thoughts drift, as if they're seeing something other than the world around them. there's just so much to write about, but sometimes we just don't know how to.

everyday you get to decide who stays in your life, or who you give up. regardless of everything else. someone you thought you knew could be a stranger a second they want to be, or choose to be. and a stranger may become that someone who understands you completely. either way, it's a choice we make, everysingleday.

it really is true. even if you do your best in the hopes of winning something, sometimes it just isn't enough--you still have that chance to lose. and in my case, i think i'll fail my majors. and i'm pretty much sure i'm losing as well. ah, screwed-up days get to me too well.

i need sunshine. or the stars. and maybe the moon for that matter. oh sigh.

Currently Listening To: Athlete - Wires

there's this song on this album, Tourist, that's amazing. the band made one part of this track broken with reason. it's not what other musicians to do. they'd want to have their songs perfect and pretty. and this one, it's flawed. when you look at it, that is what it's all about. it's not hiding what's bad or ugly, it's compromising this unwanted thing to make something meaningful and real. i think it made a lot of people say, "doesn't this song just break your heart?" because it does.

***

sometimes i can't decide which should win: the heart that knows no reason of the world, or the mind that does.