it's always the hardest thing to say goodbye. whether to a place you've grown to love or a person close to your heart. because no matter how strong a dream can drive you to your journey there will always be the people you leave behind that breaks you all the same.

and there were instances that dreams did not matter when i lost myself because someone stole my heart and it made me feel that all i ever wanted and needed was to stay. that i was too weak to be on my own. but i know better not to. because people leave, and emotions are just as fleeting. and this time, i'm the one breaking away. i'm the one walking away to the path of my own.

"and losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. but losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel."

hands down, this is one of the bestest days ever.

EK day was soooooooo fun! thank you so very much guys. i wouldn't have enjoyed it this much if it weren't for each and everyone of you.

i <3 the space shuttle. my friends thought it weird that i was laughing instead of screaming my lungs out the whole time. i thought it queer too but i'unno. there's something about the andrenaline rush that makes me forget everything else happening around me--everything else i'm feeling too. it's like nothing matters. and nothing really did when you're flipping in nkilometersperhour in mid-air.

i wanted to stay at the topmost part of the wheel of fate. people hated that ride 'cause it was dull and monotonous. if i had the chance i would've stashed a pen and paper with me. it's a nice place to write or sketch really. i love the view. i love the wind. i think i could jump off. HAHA. kidding. but yeah, the phrase of the song went on replay inside my head as i was admiring the breath-taking scenery. and whatever that line is, i'll just keep to myself. so there.

but still, hands down, this is one of the bestest days EVER.

Annoying.

Our country's in a state of emergency. the peso and market fluctuated in a not so very good way. the economy is guaranteed to collapse. there are no classes[which i woke up at five o'clock for]. riots are bound to break in an instant. the media's already considered overrated. and let's not forget what happened in Leyte. everyone's restless. great. JUST GREAT[insert sarcasm here]. it's like a relapse of martial law--actually, there could be a martial law. really, the president never picked a better time[insert sarcasm here again]. pfht.

footsteps rustling against the cement floor. the lrt train rumbling its way through the overpass. gray skies. again. i flipped through the page of the magazine i was reading and surprisingly got struck by what i saw. memories reel back in. too much to take after an unscheduled interview and a tiring day.

oh world, please give me anything to write but of melancholy that burns the tongues and hearts of poets and people alike.

i do not want to go on writing because sorrow makes my hand scribble the words i could've shared with the world. i do not want my heart to resign to open season for another heartbreak. i do not want to linger on things that i should leave way behind of me. because a minute wasted in regret is a moment of happiness i could never get back.

i want to stop for a while and be able to see things as i never did for the first time. to be able to say and mean that i lived for the moment and never looked back in dismay. i'd like to dream but not let it end just where my eyes close in slumber. i want to take a break from all the harshness of reality and let myself be. even for a second. because this world has had enough of tragic stories of you and me. more than enough that is needed.

sometimes the choice you make doesn't matter 'cause it all hurts just the same.

Time takes it all. Whether you want it to or not, time takes it all away, time bares it away. And in the end, there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again.

-Stephen King

it's not a bad day. not really. thanks to my best friend who gave me a monkey [tarsier jr.!] and the tindera who gave me the green balloon. i'm just so glad this day is over. and now i can move on with my life. yay me.

a note to ponder:

"learn to take what the world gives WITHOUT childish tantrums and hopeless romantic expectations."

...and i am learning to do just that.

xoxo

a year ago..

roses strewn carelessly on the ground. candles in birdcages that gave off a faint light that was enough for the encompassing darkness [hallelujah to that blessing in disguise]. balloons scotchtaped to the walls. a table in the middle, with two chairs. food that was enough for dinner and dessert. several candles on the floor. roses, roses, roses everywhere. the gazebo was metamorphosized into a place where girls like me only dream of. God. nazel, you should've taken a shot of that place. it was heaven. it was a masterpiece of all that is amorous and sappy. and i am so much proud of that work.

for a hater of my valentines i sure do make other people happy with theirs. haha.

urbandub is <3.

xoxo

i want it back. no, not any of the toys i've broken since Godknowswhen. not the naivety i had before when everything in the world were summed up to be lilies and daffodils. not the people i've lost, because they always leave and i can't do anything about that than watch them go. not that unbreakable smile that was plastered on my face before i knew what it was like to be so tired in lying about being hurt. not the people that left me before i knew they were there in front of me. not the wishes that escaped my lips just to remind me that there's a lot of things that i never had--that i still wish i had.

i want my sanity back. and i've come to think that it was never with me in the first place.

it sticks to you like vaseline. this icky feeling. or whatever you might call it. it's the month where cut-out hearts are plastered mercilessly on glass with bits of scotch tape on the sides like a warning sign to everyone. it's febuary. it's all red. all chocolatey. all flowery and sappy. it's the "love" month. and it makes me cringe.


it is hard to give love. it's not as simple as it is to give Php 500 worth of ferrero rocher neatly ribboned with a white card attached to it. not as scripted as it is to have an orchestra playing along the background as you eat your month's worth of allowance in one sitting with your date. not as easy as to utter "i love you" to someone and really mean it and don't. given that the world was gushing with all thou permeability of love, why are there still people like me poking verbally on the whole idea of valentine's day?


because sometimes it's just not love anymore. not the love we felt the first time we came to know it.