sometimes i wonder where the decent conversations have gone to. when reciprocating wasn't needed and wasn't asked for. sometimes i just wonder where it all went. and if it even has a chance of going back.

how do you come about a dead end?

does it mean that the journey you have made now count for naught? does it mean anything less when we knew before this that we were going somewhere? it seems that the barricades and warning signs prevent us from falling further than we already have. it keeps us away from the impending tragedy that lies ahead. but is there really nothing more to look forward to? or will time pave a detour--or even better--a fixed road in replace of that dead end?

certain memories find their ways into your heart. sometimes it takes someone to say something for them to remember. sometimes it takes the same scene for it to all go reeling like a tape set on rewind. sometimes it takes in the form of a person, or a thing, or a phrase. and most of the time, it takes in the form of emptiness--of something missing or lacking in the picture that you swore you had, before all of this.

pms-ing [plus the cramps. good lord, help me,]. and my best buddy for this is a bottle of wine. wee.

this is what three consecutive exams about matrices, circuits, physics and a whole lot of numbers does to people: it makes them stupid with everything else. as for me, it's making me terribly illiterate.

the thing about it is, studying is easy. no matter how much profanities prove otherwise--exams are easy, anything to do with the facts are--if you know how to work your way into them. it's not something you cannot learn by yourself. it's not something that's not proven or understood by over a million people and by your prof that's prolly experiencing over two weeks long of menopause. having a 4.0 in a subject isn't as impossibly crazy or out of this world as being able to break space time continuoum. it's something everyone of us can do. people are just lazy, or whatever. we have our reasons that work the magic of escape.

but real life, unlike books, lessons, and exams, is entirely different. you can't just make your way out of a predicament as you can fake your way into creating your own theories by explaining like a self-righteous idealist. you can't just analyze and have a well constructed conclusion in a data & results kind-of-way as to why certain things happen when circumstances turn out of a corner you never thought was there in the first place. and it's funny how it turns out that the things that we really need to learn in life--things like, how to deal with the pain of losing someone. or that innocence just lasts right until you get to taste the bittersweet slice of the real world, or when you realize that 'and they all live happily ever after' aren't endings at all. you know, things we always ask with our tongues hidden behind our clenched teeth; how to make someone stay, how to say the truth without inflicting a massive blow, about love, friendship, relationships, and fighting like hell for the hope of a deserving life--are the ones not taught at school or are found in how-to-books. i guess it's the way with life that the things that really matter can't be merely explained by idealists or scientists or even writers like me.

i never wanted sympathy or pity. i wanted the truth.

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http://www.purevolume.com/battlecity
http://www.myspace.com/believeinbattlecity

***

it isn't supposed to be like this, is it?... it wasn't supposed to be this hard. but it is.. and i hope you find it somewhere in your heart to make this all go away. even just a little bit.

so maybe it is a loss of words. or the hesitation to want to say it all. or the temptation to just curl up in a corner and hide behind the world.

but i have so much to say. and just as much to ask. but i'm far from wanting answers because i know i'll never get them. i'll never get the truth no matter how much i pray for the lies to fall off. and for once, i just wish everything would go back to the way it was.. back when it wasn't this hard to smile..

everything's gonna be alright soon, right?