i need a vacay. actually, i just want to travel.

my mother wants me to apply for exchange student in japan. i'm not really complaining about the whole idea. i really would want to go there. and well, i'unno. maybe this is what i need? or not.

but then.. /edit

"...if you're always looking for reasons not to be with somebody, well you'll always find them, and I guess at some point you should let go and give your heart what it deserves." --Lucas; OTH.

june is ending pretty fast. the rain is coming down steady too [jacket madness. hallelujah.]. it's really ironic. it seems as if there isn't enough time. that there should be more seconds in a minute, and more minutes in an hour, and more hours in a day. but there is more than enough time; and i think that people waste it more than they think they do. they let chances go and they watch people they care about leave with it. i know my fair share of that, and i don't want it to happen ever again.

hmm. anyone with a crash course in time management? pasali naman oh.

i want to run away.

i just want to get away from HERE, and leave everything be. i just want to go where my feet takes me, wherever that place is. and i just want to know who would be there when i'll end up on someone's doorstep. or who'll sit with me on an empty park bench and talk to me like we were long lost friends. maybe that way, i'll really know. and i'll really understand myself better. i'll have the guts to admit to myself what i want, and i don't have to deny anymore. because i'm always fooling myself. and i guess, it's easier that way. and i really want to look for me. but that's the one place i really don't want to look. i just don't want to face the truth, because i know when i do, there'll be no turning back.

oh, hello sunshine.

what good does my writing do when i can't even tell you the words i'm choking on? it gets harder everytime.

and i know i'm just scared of you. and how you make me feel.

it just gets tiring to have to fake to be someone you're not. especially with the ones you shouldn't be pretending to in the first place.

"i expected more from you[than from your other siblings]."

fine, fine. i brought this upon myself. i know. but i don't even think that my parents would still let me stay in this house if they knew that i could be so "unbecoming". all my life, i've been trying to be what my siblings have not been just because my parents have been nagging it to me eversincebirth. and even though i have succeeded that feat, it doesn't come with a price. and now i realize that it's too late to show them that who they thought was their daughter, really isn't. would you blame me for this? i didn't ask for a mother who wouldn't tolerate losing in a conversation even though she's wrong and a father who's just so close-minded that i wouldn't be able to fit a penny for his ohsojudgemental thoughts. i can't even make my own stand just because they wouldn't let me. they would shun me off as if they knew better. but they don't. not in my case. at least other kids could tell their parents the truth. as for me, we're like strangers living under one roof.

if they knew me, they wouldn't even like me. nice, noh? i think they'd even deny that i was ever their daughter. HAHA. and i'm not even that cruel. i'm sorry for the rant, i'm just pms-ing and blowing off steam.

i don't understand why parents don't see the obvious point that when they are much too overprotective, their kids are most likely to defy them.

i am going to be eighteen for chrissakes. i'm not a kid anymore, though i act that way most of the time. i just don't think my parents see me that way at all. and i don't think they trust me enough to let me be even though i've worked my ass off to show them that i could take a lot of responsibility in what i do. i'm not really that needy of help--i don't need a power-puff-parents hotline everysingletime something grave happens. ah, the downsides of being the youngest. pfht.

on the happier note of things, i am happy. giddy. whatever. i just wish i could've stayed longer or something. hmm. next time.

these are the times when i direly need not be alone,

but i am.

lying lifeless in bed, staring at the ceiling fan. loud music echoing behind concrete walls and deaf ears. the scent of incense choking through the thick air. and it kills.

[all fallacies disappear when i close my bedroom door.]

truth is, i just don't want to see my thoughts clearly in fine print.

it's 1 o'clock. i think. okay. twelve something? and i will edit waaaay later.

yesterday was super. it was nice seeing you again rizza. happy birthday tasi [i will treat you to your fruit shake when i see you, as promised. because i know you need it.], joyce, and ej! the food was great. jaz, mark, ardan, fred, loelle, yes, i wish i could've stayed longer too. it's just nice to see that almost everyone was there. but it's just weird that people you used to know act way, way different. i too, have changed. but i know i'm better off now than i was before [last first term], although that may not be the ultimate and complete truth. and i'm sorry if people think otherwise. but what i'm really sorry about is not being able to be there for my friends all the time 'cause of the whatever things i'm doing. i will work out a way to fix things, just give me the time to sort myself first.

yes, i did notice that we have matured [though i am still considered childish most of the time]. it's so crazy to see the freshmen and think that i was once like one of them before. but in hindsight, nothing really has changed too. not really anyway. it's a contradiction but it's always been a fact.

okay. i still have two exams [the other one's like a psuedo-torture-review-whatever my prof made up], a speech, the flyers, the SCReW, and Malate Writer's Guild application form to fuss about. woooot. kakayanin.

if you're looking for reasons
not to love someone, you're
probably going to find them
but sometimes, we need to
give in & let our hearts get
what they deserve

the important thing is not to be bitter over lifes disappointments. learn to let go of the past & recognize that everyday wont be sunny. & when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember its only in the black of night that you see the stars. & those stars see you back home. so dont be afraid to make mistakes to stumble & fall, because most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. maybe you'll get more then you could have ever imagined. who knows where life will take you. the road is long, & in the end, the journey is the destination


remember when getting high meant at
a playground && the worst thing you
could get from boys we're cooties
when mom was your hero and dad
was the boy you were gonna marry.
when your worst enemies we're your
siblings && race issues we're about
who ran the fastest, when war was
a card game and life was simple &&
care free remember when all you
wanted to do was just grow up & now
that we are grown up the thing we
miss the most was being little kids

i know, i know. i'm a sucker for quotes. <3

i just had a girl to girl talk after the longest time.

and i just noticed how dull and crappy my life had been. that i am so different from this girl who appears to have everything [but i know that there's no such thing]. i do not have a healthy relationship with my parents. and i have not been keeping up with my friends from highschool. pardon me, but anyone would find it hard given that you have at least 30++ people for a barkada. and that's just one group of people i hang out with--i have three, for chrissakes. my heart's sinking with every thought of how far away everyone is now. i guess i just didn't want to see it all that way.

oh sigh. you really can't have it all, anyway.

idonotwanttothink.

but that's impossible, right?

i feel rather poetic today.

the sky swirls in a color of gray and blue. clouds graze through with a hint of storm. oh such a cold picture in such a sad atmosphere. the paved sidewalks with the illuminating yellow warmth of the lightposts make the drops visible in the midevening glow. i see some of the people with umbrellas, while others were bare and drenched and cursing. i hear the wheels of the car against the water, horns overpowering the trickle of the rain. i see the stoplights change, from green to orange to red. cold. melancholic. nostalgic. a stream of thoughts rush through me as i took a sip from my already cold afternoon coffee. i feel sick, i say to myself. no, no dearest. you are sick. and it's not because of my damned weak resistance to cough and colds. no, i'd rather have that, really [and i do]. i just feel sick on the gut inside, like, my organs were messed and twisted up as if a kid from cab scout practiced knot tying on me. it was choking me. [and tearing up my heart]. jaded and stubborn, i shove this thought away. God, if i had a delete button somewhere in my head, it would've been overused by now. sighing, i reached for my thick physics book and started reading.

this is just another relapse.

i always thought that i knew better. then again.. whatever.

oh. fever and cough and colds and pms. god. you'd think i'd die. actually, these past few days, i think i did. i hated having rested two whole college days. more so having the thoughts inside my head consume me alive everytime i wake up from slumber. i feel like crap. i don't even want to think. i can't stand staying up late now because i'm still too weak to do so. i hate this. argh.

this. calls. for. coffee.

-~-

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?