STRESS.

i am in dire need of an outlet.

this is the only place where i could breathe now.

i have zero social life. except the ones i have with my fellow summer-mates. i almost, always stay up late to study and i sometimes even wake up at 3 to study some more. i do not have time for telephone conversations, more so tv [but of course, one tree hill's an exemption]. i just have my music and celphone to keep me company--not to mention loads of coffee.

-~-

my obsession right now is swimming.♥

i don't know how much a human heart can take. and i do not even want to know my limit, or if i have surpassed it somewhere in my life before. i cannot say how much i am grateful, and even so, how much i despised learning how to love. it was just my luck that the first person i gave that privelege, didn't deserve it at all.

funny? no. hell no.

it's not just a scar. it's a crevice. a boring hole that tears you up years after it has happened. i don't know if anyone ever recuperates fully from such a wound. i know, i haven't.

if it is instict or anything else [maybe selfishness], i learned to put up a massive wall around me just so i won't make the same mistake again. sometimes, that wall crashes down in a mere instant, and i am caught off-guard--vulnerable for someone to break me. but i do not let this go on for long. i am just not ready. and even if i am, i do not wish to be hurt again even though i have, for countless days and nights, felt that sharp pain suffocating me bit by bit.

a year ago, in my diary [a little black book i bought from bangkok], i made an entry criticizing a quote i have often heard when i was a kid:

"sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me."

words never hurt? yeah, right. then explain to me why people's hearts just stop dead when they hear someone they love say to them, "i just don't love you that way" or "i don't love you anymore". ask those who have slit their wrists or punched the walls on what is more painful--what kills them more. prove that words never ever hurt when they do more than temporary damage.

i could go on forever.

if you love someone, please, please, do not forget to save some for yourself.

this is for you, zel. please do not forget that i am here for you.

THANK GOD for our physics engineering prof. i wouldn't have to worry about finishing the subject wondering if i learned anything. he's not scary. but i sometimes get the feeling that he's not approachable either. but that doesn't matter anyway. ever since i read Angels and Demons, i have grown to love physics more than ever.

-~-

i am entitled to do a walkathon from the mrt station of ayala to makati med without stopping to peek at shops when i pass by glorietta or greenbelt at least three times a week. why do i choose to torture myself, you ask? well, this is my ohsogreat way of saving [because lrtmrt is a LOT cheaper than riding a shuttle]. and to hell with gyms, people would prolly lose weight if they did this kind of walking everysingleday.

-~-

mark: issy, do you know how to swim?

me: if by swimming, you mean, staying afloat? then yes, i know how to.

okay. so i haven't done swimming--YET. i excitedly readied my things the night before thursday and when i woke up the next day, i had my effing period. psh.

i am actually excited for summer classes. what? so i hate being a lazy ass all the time; it's not a crime now, is it?

-~-

i do think i'm out of touch. i can't lie to the fact that i cannot whiff up a coherent paragraph just as easy as i could make coffee faster than anyone i know. i do not want to be redundant, but ironically, i am being one just by saying that. psh. this is the lowest of my writing history. i really need to write about something [consequential.]. and fast.

i am happy. at least, i think i ought to be. but i'm not. i have this gut feeling stuck deep down and i hate it. but i am happy. at least, pathologically happy. but whatever. thing is, i'm not happy-joy-joy happy, and that's the bottom line of it.

realization? course cards distribution is just the thing that brings out the paranoia in people.

-~-

room update? i finished it yesterday. got loads of compliments--even my dad said it looked good [he is a very critical person. very.]. i remembered my childhood dream of being an architect. it's like i was brainwashed or something. i actually forgot that i wanted to be one. and that was my reason for being a physci student, and an engineering student for that matter too.

i just finished painting the walls of my room. i'm so tired. my favorite shorts got paint all over and i'm a mess. i looove it though. i can't wait to finish painting. i still need to buy paint for the backboard and cabinet. i feel so giddy already. haha.

Currently Reading: Confessions of a Shopaholic - Sophie Kinsella

it's nine-thirtysomething in the morning and i'm already dying of boredom. oh god. is this punishment for eating chocolate when i should be abstaining or what?

summer goals:

due to the absurdity of the list, this has been removed from the view of the readers. please check again next time when the writer starts posting realistic goals. thankyouverymuch.

xoxo

erick just left yesterday. good thing i bugged him to teach me CS so it could be refreshed out of my memory. our other blockmates came and joined in. it was fun. nothing big or anything, but fun. after that, he had to go. goodbyes are always sad, i know. it is bound to happen to anyone, anytime. but knowing something is inevitable doesn't make it less painful, does it?

so this is what it feels. yet, again.

the timing's just so right, it made me want to laugh. but i just stared in front of the mirror as the song flooded the room. it's pathetic how a song could make everysinglething you wish you deleted from memory reel back to you just like a tape set on rewind. i know i should've switched off the radio. but i didn't. my feet didn't want to move. my butt's glued on the chair. and it was just apparent that i invited the surge of nostalgia right at my front door. oh sigh. ghreat.

i just had one of the bestest breakfast after a loooong time. Shang serves the bestest buffet, especially in Cebu. after taking a swim and staying in the sauna and jacuzzi [we were being boiled--literally], it was just fitting to EAT. too bad they didn't serve the chocolate fountain there.

ah. nostalgia.

i can't wait to cut my hair. weee. maybe i could dress like a boy and make girls fall for me. *wink wink*

Currently Reading: Reader's Digest: How to Write and Speak Better

i don't know any card games, except the one-two-three-pass my co-officers and i used to play inside the hq. but i do know how to predict. from what my friends say and from the awry faces they give me when i interpret the cards[solitaire only people, i'm not that rich], i've actually given thought of joining the gypsies or something. kidding. but seriously, some are freakingly accurate, like that time in querico when my friend started laughing and saying profanitites tugging at his friend to try as well. or yesterday, and the day after that that i myself was surprised because i know first hand their dilemma to begin with. thing is, i don't want to believe in the interpretations. i don't want to believe a bunch of cards could tell me my life, or others' life for that matter. i just do it for fun. no more, no less. but there's nothing like that, right? 'cause sometimes you believe even though you've programmed your mind and heart not to. there's that annoying voice bringing you to conclusions and assumptions--in short, gibberish. this is why i don't interpret for myself for no reason. so, after my friends nagged me for what seemed like forever, i gave in. and PSH. it's just, whatever.

my sister's graduating today. since i can't go 'cause there's only admission for two, i had to ask my parents to call me when it's my sister's turn to be called up to the stage. that way, it would be like i'm there in a line-to-line kind of way. nice, ne?

after that, we'll all be heading to the hotel. i need some serious break. plus some shopping money, that's just the thing to prep me up. hurrah.

for elton:

a. "losing my reason for the journey" would be my greatest fear. kinda what i felt last year and last last year. i think i already told you about that anyway.
b. boys with guitars! kidding. i don't know. seriously, i thought the guys i'd fall for would always have that kind of appeal. but, nooooo. life's full of surprises that way.
c. i would get lucas [not chad murray]. he's like, to-die-for. the other nine? adam brody, chris carrabba, ryan phillippe, lestat [character from anne rice's vampire chronicles], stephan [another character from anne rice's, violin], brandon flowers, johnny depp [how could i ever forget??], jude law, and all my other crushes. the list's too long soooo. there.
d. to rule the world. *evil laugh*
e. i'll either sketch, or soundtrip, or write, or sleep. anything that keeps me busy. i'll even clean my room if i have to.

for wey:

a. no, i'm not mad. i don't think i ever get mad except, well, you know. you're just drifting away. and you're pushing people away too.
b. there's this thing call non-exclusivity. and that's all i have to say. haha.
c. of course! there's always time for friends. especially bestfriends.
d. it's been bittersweet--the usual.
e. you're my bestfriend. need i say more?

to the one who lent me the from autumn to ashes cd:

a. it's human nature. the one thing that keeps us desiring for more than the hurt is what we all want. and what we all strive for to get.
b. they're either stubborn or playing blind. either way, it's our principles and how we view things from our own perspective that keeps us from falling out of sanity. so it's not much of a surprise why people choose to be apathetic.
c. know the quote, "my smile is the best lie i've got"? let's face it, everysingleone of us have our own bouts of loneliness and insecurities, even depression. we all pretend to a certain extent. love can just be another way of filling the empty void we've had. but that isn't love, is it? the people who do such never will be contented no matter what they do.
d. nostalgia. i think that would explain much of what i intended to type.
e. there's no replacement to a hurt done in the past. it's not even advisable to seek happiness only to cover the hurt away. best thing to do? accept and just be thankful. why use your happiness now as pogo stick to poke at your past year's hurt? the damage's been done. it's over. it's so last year. why live with it until now?

for beli:

a. text me your schedule and i'll prolly arrange mine too.
b. for the simple reason that people complicate things. someone became my living reminder of that.
c. aside from the fact that coffee has numerous benefits [care to read my second major essay?], i don't like beer. but i do like vodka.:)
d. ever try comparing dreams to a movie trailer? trailers give a brief retrospective of what is in the movie. same goes with dreaming. it gives you something to hold on to while you're pursuing that goal.
e. to KNOW our purpose for living.

i'll give the credits to chez for introducing me to this sortakindalike tag thing. it's fun. and intruiging too.

so here: you're gonna ask me five questions. anything goes. just don't ask me f*cked up questions 'cause i might just track you down and shoot you. send it to my email 'cause i don't have a comment page here and the tagboard's downright small for that. in exchange, you have to tell me five things you cannot live without--give the reason why as well. remember: things!!! please don't give me food/water/yournamehere. also, leave a note if you want it privately answered or not. i might just post it here or send it to you by email.

e-add: bubblegum_1320@yahoo.com

to cuyeg:

a. it's just unnerving to have to pick five people when you care about more than just that number. so, (1) God [if He is considered a human being],(2) parents, (3)siblings,(4) friends, and (5)me. no, i'm not being conceited. it's just that sometimes, people don't leave others behind except their own selves. and it's what i'm trying hard not to do.
b. didn't i tell you? you're pretty. HAHA.
c. how? i don't know. for the only reason that i do not know who i'll end up with.
d. i hate failures. be it grades or other things.
e. what makes my day differ from what i need from that day per se. but a not so merciless circumstance would do just fine. then again maybe i just need a cup of coffee or something.:)

i shall not, by all means, give any more effed-up reasons why i can't stick up to my resolution. repeat, SHALL NOT.


and yeah, stress and lack of sleep does cause zits. haha. crap.