sitting with my back against the sofa and my eyes squinted on the light. i wait for time to creep from behind as i looked back on the familiar chaos of this certain week of this certain year. missing faces, summer heat, scattered rain, responsibilities, thesis topics, old friends, new acquaintances, sickness, love, fear and more nouns and adjectives to describe how it would feel again and how it would be for some time. the rush of the unknown and what's beyond as i try to make sense of it again, in words and phrases that mean less of what it is when i look at it with my eyes wide open and my heart on my sleeve.

there will be chances and the road is forked furiously into many directions. and there will be something that would weigh more in our hearts and there will be things we wouldn't bother battling our eyes on. there would be shortcomings and apologies, the promises to learn more and be better. there would be regret, or maybe the contenment of the things that had come to pass. there would be a lot of things to say, a lot of stories that will unfold and a lot of times we'll talk about it with bottles in our hands at two in the morning and youth on our side. there would be you and me and other people thinking "it's never gonna get any better than this."

and they'll be insanely right about that.

summer class is always a pain in the ass, no matter what subject you take it's all the same. Thank God it's over!

***

i'm a kid, but that's not all i am.

they say time weaves anyone into inevitable maturity. the way people went from Speed Racer to Prison Break, or Barbies to Gossip Girl. the way people refrain from saying unecessary things, or do unecessary stuff for fear of statements like, "man, you're too old to do that." or "how old are you anyway? that's kid stuff." and we let these things get to us, as if happiness depends on the sharp knife of words that people let go of carelessly.

then there are moments when we look up to the sky and say, "i miss being a kid." and i wonder what is it that robbed us of our luxury in being one, if there ever was such in the first place. was it the lost of innocence? or the bitterness of memories that we couldn't let go of? or is it the immature fear of looking uncool or stupid?

there are probably many conjured explanations or excuses out there, believable or otherwise as it may be. but i don't think it's wrong having a piece of youth in our hearts. and maybe that's what grown-ups lack or that's what most people lack--the sense of freedom and courage to say what's in their mind without any hint of hesitation in their voices, the carefree attutide to laugh out loud or just be like a plain old kid. i think there's real happiness there, and i wouldn't want any less of that.

ever get those hangovers from oneofthosedays days?

let me rephrase that: is there even supposed to be a hangover? nah, didn't think so.

i think i need chocolate. or Nerds. or whatever. maybe something else. maybe someone.<3

it's the first time it rained here for quite some time now. it never ceases to amaze me how much the weather reflects the feelings of one's heart, or many for that matter. like the wave of emotion it pulls from the cold depths of memories merging with the drops that fall down to the concrete earth, they become ripples that collapse and disappear into the darkness.

mother is in the hospital right now, it's nothing of grave but father's coldness tonight makes it hard not to feel the least bit uptight or miserable. the air is so thick here, and it's getting hard to breathe.

ps. desole.