oh hello there.

well as you can see, i barely write nowadays. barely, meaning i still do, and i probably always will. even in scratch papers, paper napkins or just plain space. i still have the words, the feeling--especially that--and i still have the urge to put it down. or at least for now, the effort to try and form better sentences or punchlines to further explain love, happiness, despair, hope, fear and all those emotions that come ever so often still hasn't gone away. it's always nice to hear people say, "hey, that's exactly what i feel too," like you've grasped a fleeting moment from their lives and made it clear, in beautiful plain text.

so keep checking back here, whoever you are.

In my pursuit to write,

between projects and exams and meetings and half hour of sleep and daydreams. between you and everybody else. between me and this computer screen and between slivers of thoughts, ideas, musings that i can't seem to grasp when the days clog of things that don't hold much value than a quarter and a dime. between attempts, failures, or the stillness of life,

this is something i won't forget to do.

write.

sitting with my back against the sofa and my eyes squinted on the light. i wait for time to creep from behind as i looked back on the familiar chaos of this certain week of this certain year. missing faces, summer heat, scattered rain, responsibilities, thesis topics, old friends, new acquaintances, sickness, love, fear and more nouns and adjectives to describe how it would feel again and how it would be for some time. the rush of the unknown and what's beyond as i try to make sense of it again, in words and phrases that mean less of what it is when i look at it with my eyes wide open and my heart on my sleeve.

there will be chances and the road is forked furiously into many directions. and there will be something that would weigh more in our hearts and there will be things we wouldn't bother battling our eyes on. there would be shortcomings and apologies, the promises to learn more and be better. there would be regret, or maybe the contenment of the things that had come to pass. there would be a lot of things to say, a lot of stories that will unfold and a lot of times we'll talk about it with bottles in our hands at two in the morning and youth on our side. there would be you and me and other people thinking "it's never gonna get any better than this."

and they'll be insanely right about that.

summer class is always a pain in the ass, no matter what subject you take it's all the same. Thank God it's over!

***

i'm a kid, but that's not all i am.

they say time weaves anyone into inevitable maturity. the way people went from Speed Racer to Prison Break, or Barbies to Gossip Girl. the way people refrain from saying unecessary things, or do unecessary stuff for fear of statements like, "man, you're too old to do that." or "how old are you anyway? that's kid stuff." and we let these things get to us, as if happiness depends on the sharp knife of words that people let go of carelessly.

then there are moments when we look up to the sky and say, "i miss being a kid." and i wonder what is it that robbed us of our luxury in being one, if there ever was such in the first place. was it the lost of innocence? or the bitterness of memories that we couldn't let go of? or is it the immature fear of looking uncool or stupid?

there are probably many conjured explanations or excuses out there, believable or otherwise as it may be. but i don't think it's wrong having a piece of youth in our hearts. and maybe that's what grown-ups lack or that's what most people lack--the sense of freedom and courage to say what's in their mind without any hint of hesitation in their voices, the carefree attutide to laugh out loud or just be like a plain old kid. i think there's real happiness there, and i wouldn't want any less of that.

ever get those hangovers from oneofthosedays days?

let me rephrase that: is there even supposed to be a hangover? nah, didn't think so.

i think i need chocolate. or Nerds. or whatever. maybe something else. maybe someone.<3

it's the first time it rained here for quite some time now. it never ceases to amaze me how much the weather reflects the feelings of one's heart, or many for that matter. like the wave of emotion it pulls from the cold depths of memories merging with the drops that fall down to the concrete earth, they become ripples that collapse and disappear into the darkness.

mother is in the hospital right now, it's nothing of grave but father's coldness tonight makes it hard not to feel the least bit uptight or miserable. the air is so thick here, and it's getting hard to breathe.

ps. desole.

I SEE IT AS ICE COLD TALL CARAMEL MACCHIATO, THEY SEE IT AS FOOD FOR A WEEK

disclaimer: no, i haven't had one of those drinks recently. i just can't think of any other good comparison that people could relate to.

my professor in RELSFOR [yeah, that subject] said that people wouldn't lay a finger in any issue unless they are directly affected by it.

and i think yeah, people sympathize and shake their heads in dismay and it ends with just that. no further action, just plain old sympathy.

"Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world as seeing through theirs. Maybe there was a glitch in my brain."

i'm not being a superhero advocating sustainable projects for the poor and the needy. i've got to have bundles of cash to do that. well, 70% of the population might think i do but i can't feed them all, can i? so it starts with little things.

like giving extra coins to that old lady sitting on the street barely able to lift her hand. i don't believe in giving coins to kids who just ask for it though. call it self-righteousness but i don't want to breed kids who don't know what working hard for money really is.

or maybe you could even give food. leftovers, snacks or even a full meal it doesn't really matter cause for them, food is food. period. honestly, most of the time it's better than giving money.

overall, apathy and lack of awareness are the real issues. i mean, people are panicking from all over the world cause the effects of global warming are becoming evident by the second. haven't we had warnings from about three years back that this would happen? and what? people are so focused on juicy gossips about it girl for the month. pfht.

"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."

so this is the usual after-finals-slash-term-entry.

i could finally feel the summer coming in now, with its waves of sunlight and light blue skies. i could smell it in the air, like the unbelievable dry heat of late mornings and early afternoon hours. i could taste it from the ice cold milk teas i buy every now and then, hear it from people talking about roadtrips and getaways to somewhere entirely new and refreshing. somewhere better than last year of big adventures or many years ago of first loves and heartbreaks.

and as i see it from their eyes sparkling with excitement of memories they'll never forget, i remember mine of three months back and i begin to smile. for it was then i realized that i have been given circumstances which made me believe in a profound thing called fate. there have been obstacles that i fought and conquered for there were people who reminded me to never give up. and though there were times of hurt and doubt, i feel the love emanating more than i could ever imagine. there was you, and friends and family and a higher being i could only assume to be God who were guiding me step by step. there were plenty of reasons for me to smile and not a single one for me to even feel despair. there was life in full abundance.

so this is actually a tribute to unbelievable happiness and future memories. this is me telling you that i'm thankful, grateful and blessed to have you--each and everyone of you--in my life.<3

A tribute to beautiful churches and structures that i came to see with my family's Bisita Inglesia.

i'm no professional photographer so forgive the improper lightings. it's still a beautiful sight nevertheless.

they say i've changed.

i think i just grew up.

p.s. for those who believed in the platform, for those who took their time to be practical and mature in choosing what they want to see--whether or not you voted for or against the party, for those who never forgot their integrity amidst every pressing temptation to put it aside, and for those who will continue to support the revolution, THANK YOU.

I realized then, as i made my way past the buldings of the university through the field and saw the people dragging the white tables and chairs to the green grass for some big event that it's almost been probably a year from that same night. the night when the middle-aged, the white haired, the barely-walking people who used to call this place their second home gather again to remember distant memories of once-upon-a-time, of lost or true love, failures and redemption, of days spent will less care of what the real world had to offer, of the undeniable company of real friends. when what we felt then were easier to shout out to everybody else because we were young and crazy and wishful. because we didn't give a hell with whether the world was on our side or not.

and there were certain moments in time that i could still remember to the last word of a last decent conversation. there were days that felt it was another life i was living, or a vivid dream i was watching on replay through closed eyes. and it made me smile and it made me thankful that i'm not as bitter or as cynical with the world or circumstance as i used to be--that i got over things i used to think i'd resent for the rest of my life. i was immature and i was blind and 'the rest of my life' meant three hundred sixty five days; and i should have known better than to think so, for a lifetime itself is too long not to put aside a happy memory or a painful experience in the recesses of my heart.

and i guess these are the memories i'll remember five or ten years from now when i walk through these halls again. that i lost my way a lot of times and met people who paved the way for a while. that i found myself in the most unexpected of circumstances and learned through the pain and the belief that there is something better out there. that there were chances and choices given to me by a Higher Being. that there are people in my life right now that i would be always, always thankful for.

yeah, i get that feeling a lot nowadays.

'Your reason and your passion are the rudder.. and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burn to it’s own destruction.'

-Kahlil Gibran

i am driven.

like the blood-pumping adrenaline of rollercoaster rides in themeparks. like the feeling you get in concerts of bands you would die for. like the rush of caffeine and formulas and concepts at three in the morning. like how i smile when i am sure i know how to get the answer in item number one, letter c. like how words from someone mean so much, like how my own words do the same to others who listen.

and though failure, disappointment, anxiety, and additional burden are such intense words, i stop and remind myself that contentment, experience, success, strength, and integrity are inasmuch, the same and probably, more significant at most.

so i remain ambitious and steadfast, remain impulsive yet vigilant. for there are many chances, many sides, and many decisions laid out in front of me and everybody else; and i chose this path for myself.

this is where i decide.

between the after-exam-aftermaths, general assembly preparations, conversations and lists in a dinner late in the evening. i try to make sense of it all--the importance of dreams, of responsibility and practicality that streches out into the real world, the constant need for time and rest. and i wonder if it would be too soon, or too late to discern such in a small period of time. i weigh what would hold most of my regret, and i ask myself: what would i miss?

this is where i need to hear it the most: the frail but unmistakable whisper inside my head amidst the loud echoing voices of the people around me. this is what i need to do alone, before saying anything else--before doing anything else.

think.

i feel it creeping in at two-thirty in the morning, after quietly locking the door behind me and turning on the lights. i hear it whisper in silence past the cars and trucks down below. and i find myself sitting down instead of creeping between sheets and into dreams, i find myself hands clasped, staring outside at the silhouette of buildings and the windows with their faint yellow-white lights, thinking, remembering, and tracing my steps, wondering why this feeling suddenly appears to clench my heart cold.

and taking a deep breath, i tell myself to get some sleep and wait for the sun's light to penetrate through the window. wait for the fog to clear and my mind's waters to calm itself to stillness. that there is no rush here like the sands of the hourglass emptying into a void below, with no way of even grasping a single grain. that there is no need to push or pull myself back from anything. and then i assure myself beyond the doubt or certainty of it all, that where i stand right now, is where i am supposed to be.

i used to have that growing fire in my heart, the way a small match could light up the black ink of night. and in the different corners of different rooms, it used to give hope emitted by a faint warmth that was never to burn or hurt anyone. it gave other people something to believe in--it gave me something to believe in.

i've seen it die countless of times, as every fire has its last breath of ember and smoke. and consumed by doubt, hesitation and fear, i find it hard to strike a match again. i find it harder to look inside for the kind of passion that touches people's hearts and make them have faith in something called life. why we all breathe and hurt and love and do the things we do. why our lives depend on the chances we take and leaps of faith, and why we start dying when we turn our backs from everything. why all these depend on what we want for ourselves and what we really think we deserve more than anything else.

and i wish and pray and hope for it. hope that someday soon, i'll be able to understand the reason why the last flame died inside my chest. pray that it would be brighter when i find it again, as the sun with the cloudless sky gives a feeling of freedom and clarity to anyone who would take their time to stop and breathe it all in. wishing that this time, the light would stay longer, burn longer, and live longer.

now here i go again.

i almost can't describe what it felt like.

the bright lights of yellow, green and blue. guitars clashing, the drums and voices echoing through the four walls of the tent, seeing the bands work their magic through the crowd, seeing people be so absorbed in listening to the music and lyrics all night--seeing something that lights in people's eyes. i could honestly say, it was all worth it. every blood, sweat and tear shed--just everything.

and having someone take their time to thank you knowing that yes, i somehow helped make a difference in their Friday night, that was just additional icing to the whole cake.

thank you, for those who supported the event. the volunteers, friends, and even those i didn't know. thanks for the bands for their undying love to share their music to the world (April Morning Skies, Fireplace Letters, Kastigo, The Dawn, Callalily). thanks to those who danced, modeled and hosted. thanks to God for the strength and passion in those four months.

i can't wait to do that again.<3

karma. karma. karma.

and i got the half-bad side of it. SIGH.

status: currently sick and stressing out.

Godhelpme.

So here's the deal:

Rock Up the World Concert by 60th and 62nd ENG

featuring bands like, THE DAWN, Soapdish, Callalily, KASTIGO, April Morning Skies and many more!

tickets are sold at 200. inclusive of free entrance at Prince of Jaipur (Fort Boni) with free drinks! (who'd not want that eh?)

this isn't just a concert. it's a benefit concert regarding environmental issues (specifically trees). we empower each individual to take action through this event. every ticket you buy equals a tree named and planted after you, or someone you love or hate or whatever. so if you love your trees, rock it up with this concert and show your support!